Failure is not an option!

It has been quite awhile since I posted. It is humbling to admit that I have found myself struggling with my eating disorder and pulled away from blogging.  In all the training and preparing for the Fall racing season I felt like I was truly on track and had things under control.  What I did not expect was the comments and feedback that I would receive from others around me.  I pride myself on being a very strong person, but one can only hear “I thought you would be skinnier with all the running you do” so many times before it starts to ebb away at your resolve.  Couple that with seeing race pictures (trust me very few people look good mid-run, especially in a marathon) and it is a recipe for disaster.  This is me fessing up that I feel back into my old ways.  I loved how it felt to deprive myself and quickly see results in the mirror…but my running suffered and so did my sense of self.  My last marathon was a wake up call.  I was slow and exhausted, not how I wanted to finish out 9 weeks of racing.  It was a reality check that I had let 6 months of training and countless miles fall fade into the background and the number on the scale dictate how I felt about myself.  I’m 37 years old – this should not be an issue anymore! I have dealt with this disease for 20 years I thought I had escaped this black cloud.  The hard truth is I will never be free from anorexia and it is time to accept that.   My heart is healing and I am back on track. I’m not perfect,  I will fall down from time to time, but failure is not an option!

Update 2/10/16 – What a difference a few months can make! It has taken me several years to make peace with the chaos that my eating disorder has caused and find the guts to put my story out into the world.  Even when I did begin to blog and talk about my past I did not tell many people.  I’m feel embarrassed about my past even though I logically know that is foolish to feel that way.  I have always prided myself on having my “crap” together and presenting to the world am “I have it all” image.  Part of the process of recovery has been to let others in and stop trying to weather the storm alone.  I will be honest…I suck at that! I’ve always been independent not because I am strong, but used this approach to hide my issues.  It isn’t until recently that I have began to publish my blogs on Facebook.  I was very hesitant to do so and had a mini-meltdown when I did.  I was scared of being judged and looked at differently by those who knew me as the well put together version of myself.  Through the years I have learned that the steps you take that scare you the most and put you at the greatest risk of failure are usually the most rewarding.  I did not expect the out pouring of support and messages from individuals regarding my story.  I have been caught off guard numerous times by the messages of kindness and understanding.  Each and everyone has touched me deeply…it takes a lot to warm my Grinch like heart & I’m pretty sure it has grown several sizes over the last week.  I know that not everyone will love what I post, but for those who do read and relate to what I’ve been through and struggle with please know your support is appreciated.  I have said this numerous times to anyone who will listen – 2016 is going to be an EPIC year…it is off to a pretty good start and no doubt the BEST is yet to come!


2 thoughts on “Failure is not an option!

  1. Courageous post! Hopefully running can become part of the solution for you versus a problem. I find that running helps relieve me from stress in life. Brave for you to put it into words. Your online run friends are behind you!


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