Letting Go

Letting go of who I think I should be and accepting who I am is an harder task than I anticipated.  The expectations that I’ve placed on myself haven’t always made sense yet I perpetuated those notions, repeating the conversations in my head and continuing to raise the bar with little to no proof that I can or should continue on that path.

I am a very strong believer in setting goals and working to achieve those goals, but I am not talking about things like finishing a race  or changing a superficial aspect of myself.  I’m referring to the expectation of being something/someone that I’m not.  For years I have seen myself as capable being someone “different”.  I infused the concept of better with the different kind of person I thought I should be.  It is exhausting and defeating to try to live up to the standard I have set and frankly I cannot do it anymore.  So why have I for all these years tried? That is the million dollar question.

To answer the “why” is the key to unraveling the ridiculous situation I have created for myself.  Why do I want to be different?  Why do I view a different me as better?  Where did all this come from? How do I stop setting myself up for failure?  I refuse to be clique and set my goal for 2016 to find myself.  The fact is I have nothing to search for, everything that I am is already established…I just need to stop fighting who I am.

When life throws curve balls at me I always take to running to figure things out.  I get clarity and comfort in being able to log the miles while my brain wrestles philosophic questions.  The realization that I’ve been a wannabe came to me on a run, it’s only fitting I would use running to figure all this out as well and answer the question of “why”.

Luckily I am in full on marathon training mode and have several long runs to work all this stuff out.  Over the last few runs I have come to settle on the background of why I have tried so hard to evolve into someone different.  I have never felt that what I bring to the table is enough.  Well that is a pile of crap!  By who’s standard am I not good enough?  I have for too long allowed the judgement of others to give value to who I am and what I bring to the table.  That has to end immediately.   It is way to tiring to try to meet the expectations of everyone around me…no more!  Being in the driver seat of my life will be new and very uncomfortable.  Good thing I have a ton more miles to cover in my training plan, I’m going to need them!

Now if you are hearing the 1980’s TV preacher claiming “child you are healed” – don’t worry I am too and totally get how silly this all sounds.  Very “self-help” type of stuff. Believe me I do not feel that simply realizing that I’ve been trying to show up as someone else in my life and have to stop is not the end of the story.  I will not be skipping through a field of daisies into the sunset to live a happy self actualized life.  The work has just begun!  To know why you do something is just as important as what your are doing.  Thank you 3 miles last night on the treadmill…that was the topic of debate in my head.  I like to please others and I want people to like me. Duh, who doesn’t! Truth is though I will compromise my goals, desires, and dreams so that I make others happy.  My lack of backbone and ability to say no has driven me at times to the brink of a nervous breakdown.  Looking back it all seems so stupid.  I need to start showing up in my life for me and have to let go of the urge to please people.  I value what others think of me and in a warped way have allowed that to dictate the vision of who I am driven to become.  Time to dig in and truly let go of who I think I should be and accept who I am!  You only get one life and I’ll be damned if I keep living my life trying to be someone I’m not.  Time to show up, as- is with scares, craziness, faults and all.

Que music…”Can’t hold it back any more. Let it go, let it go!

#BeKind #BeHappy #BeActive

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